You Still Have All of Me
by lil'mousie323
Summary: There has been a rift between them, how will they manage to get past it? This is my take on what has transpired this season between Elizabeth and Henry. It is painful and breaks my heart.
1. Chapter 1

" _I'm not gonna lie to you"_

 _"I'd quit this job in a heartbeat if it threatens what we have"_

 _"I'm not going to let that happen"_

 _"If you're asking me to be the man beside the woman, I'm in"_

 _"This can't be healthy for us"_

 _"We were fine"_

 _"No we weren't, I wasn't"_

 _"You LIED to me!"_

 _"I CANT TALK TO YOU"_

 _"I can't deal with this anymore"_

 _"Every time I see you, it reminds me of how I failed"_

As Elizabeth laid in bed that night, she kept running these phrases and parts of conversations over and over in her head. She couldn't sleep, not when it seemed like things were falling apart at the seams. Her world was being tossed around like a rag doll, and the worry she had for Henry was going to consume her if they couldn't talk. Hell, it was consuming him already and she was just waiting for everything to burst.

Finally deciding to get out of bed at 4:30, she stood in the kitchen holding her coffee, letting the warmth on her hands soothe her, the little bit that it could. What was bothering her the most was the fact that, no matter how much she tried, he just wouldn't talk to her — hell he wasn't even looking at her — and the fact that last night he had slept in another room while still in the same house. It was just crushing her.

Who was this man that was yelling at her, so upset almost to the point of being non-coherent? It looked like Henry, but the words and actions coming out of him were not Henry at all. Its like they were losing sight of each other, of who they were individually, and as a team, and that was hurting her more than she was letting him notice. One thing she had learned after her parents died was how to hide her emotions and put up walls around her; now she felt like she had to do that with him — the one person in her life who had broken the walls down brick by brick over 28 years ago when they had first met at UVA.

 _"_ _Go if you have to, but I don't know what its going to look like when you come back."_

 _"_ _The kids wont even remember you."_

 _"_ _It's only a year…"_

The sleeplessness and yelling had taken her back to their argument over her being appointed station chief in Baghdad. That had been their worst fight to date, but now — now it looked like everything was unraveling. Back then she would go out for long rides on Buttercup; he was her escape when things were tough with Henry. When she needed to talk to someone but couldn't talk to her husband about things, she turned to her first baby boy. Horses were incredible animals, they feel you and know your emotional state without even asking. He knew things were rough at that time and would nuzzle her arms, letting her know it was okay to lean on him; he wouldn't talk back or argue, he just loved her unconditionally. Now she feared that whatever was wrong with him would end up being something she couldn't fix, and she didn't know if she could handle that type of bad news on top of this thing that was happening to her and Henry.

He didn't mean those words to come out how they did, or did he? He was struggling, and admitting it was part of the problem. He had pressured her when she came home from Iran and was having trouble dealing, so why was he acting like this towards her now? She didn't deserve this — well maybe a little of it she did — NO she doesn't deserve this. He knew deep down the call she made was the correct one, and he even knew that she had no choice but to agree with Conrad's decision. He feared that he had pushed too far — he was spiraling out of control and didn't know if he was strong enough to stop it or if she would be strong enough to stand by and help. He didn't know what else to say or do, so that night they had slept apart, she in their bed and he in one of the kids' beds. They never, ever went to bed this angry and upset, heck they never didn't sleep in the same bed when they were home together. How he hoped and prayed that night that he didn't screw things up for good.

Walking into the kitchen so early the next morning he watched her for a few moments before engaging. He knew she was hurting, but trying to give him space she had distanced herself from him, and he had no one to blame but himself.

"You're up early."

"Yeah, couldn't sleep."

"Henry, I'm sorry I've been pushing, I will stop. Please remember that I love you and I'm sorry." She had barley been able to say those two sentences without breaking down in tears, so she turned her back to him and just stood there, thinking.

"Baby, I'm sorry too, I just need some time to try and figure out some things." Maybe not his best choice of wording, but he had already dug a hole, so why not dig deeper. He knew she would wait for him, no matter how long it took to come back around. He couldn't even really look at her, he knew her back was turned towards him, but he also was turned looking out the kitchen window.

For the second time that morning, the house phone rang, bringing them both out of their own thoughts. Even though they were sitting together at the little island in the kitchen there was so much distance between them. The air in the house was one of uncomfortable silence—something that didn't happen in their home.

"Vets here." Henry had stated, as he hung up the phone, finally turning to really look at her for the first time that day. He was worried about her and the outcome of the MRI done on Buttercup.

Walking over to the barn, meeting Dr. Sue, he couldn't help but position himself slightly in front of her—almost as a way of trying to protect her from whatever news the vet was about to lay on them.

As the words left Dr. Sue's mouth, Elizabeth clung to Henrys hand as support, not wanting it to be true. The words stung. Cancer. Why was this happening now?! Henry tried to reason, tried to see if chemo would help, but all Elizabeth could think of was her favorite horse being in pain. She couldn't handle BOTH of her loves in pain — Buttercup she could help by way of easing the pain and letting him cross the Rainbow Bridge, Henry she could help by giving him distance, space, and time to heal.

Henry knew she would need him; he wanted her to be able to lean on him as she was hurting, dealing with losing her most beloved pet. He had offered to stay, but she told him to go, that she would be fine there alone with Buttercup. Hesitating he reached around her to pet his muzzle, as his arm brushed hers, and as he leaned in kissing her on the head, he felt her slight wince at his touches. This pained him as much as having to make the decision to put the horse down, if not more than that decision — the fact that his touch now was something she winced at stung deep into his core.

He had a lot of thinking to do and things to make up for—he knew he didn't want to lose the best thing that has ever happened to him—and if he kept it up as he was, he would end up losing her, and that was something he knew he couldn't live with.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you all for your wonderful comments and reviews! It truly makes my day to read them! Thank you to my new followers and favorites as well! You guys give me the wind to keep writing! I hope you enjoy chapter 2...it gets very angsty just to warn you, but I promise light is coming!**

 **MANY thanks to Teammccord for proofing the story as I write it! (only about half of this chapter was proofed, I was just so excited to get it posted!)**

 **ENJOY!**

As the black SUV pulled out of the driveway with Henry sitting in the back, he couldn't help wonder if he was making the right decision. He was angry with her, and he was hurting, but she was still his wife, the love of his life and the mother of his children. Should he be going to work when he knew she needed him? She had pushed him away, closed her walls around herself again, bearing the brunt of the pain from both him and the decision to put her beloved Buttercup to sleep. He was hurting as well, he didn't like treating her like this — how he had let it get this far was beyond him. All he could do while sitting in the back of the SUV was sit and think about how to make things right again, he hated that some of the detail had to leave to run him back to the city, but they had left their Jeep at the house in Georgetown.

He was reflecting on how distant he had become himself — no wonder she had put her walls up now that she really wanted to rely on him. He had pushed her away by being mean and shutting her down, not to mention yelling at her so much in the past two days than he could ever remember yelling at her. He just didn't know how to let all of this madness that was swirling around in his head out. He knew he needed to talk to someone, get some help, and she tried to point him in the direction of help, but he was a tough Marine and a guy — talking to a therapist wasn't really fitting in with his image. He just knew that he had to do something before he pushed away the best thing that had ever happened to him.

After being reminded by Jane that they can't save everyone, Henry had found himself walking into the church. He had decided, that since he couldn't talk to Elizabeth about how he was truly feeling, he would turn to confession. He really didn't know what to say, or even do, the moment he entered the church—he was struggling and wasn't sure of where to start, or even if he wanted to say some of the things that were bothering him out loud for someone to hear. He was scared, she was scared — How in the world did they get to this place. Taking a deep breath, he stepped into the confessional.

"Please excuse me father for I have sinned. It has been 6 months since my last confession. Since then I have been involved with some decisions that have cost a young man his life and in return have been taking it out on my wife, blaming her. I know she was not personally responsible for what happened to this young man, but every time I look at her I am only reminded of what took place." Pausing for a moment he continued: "I have found myself lying to her more and more on a daily basis, distancing myself from her, and yelling at her."

As he continued along with his confessions, he had felt himself being able to breath easier. There it was decided he had to get back to the farm. He loved her and would always be there for her, as much as he was angry and upset with her currently she needed him there to lean on.

As she watched him walk away she turned her full attention back to Buttercup. Yes, she wanted him to stay, but knew he needed to go, and hopefully he would come back once he was done with things at work.

"Hey buddy, thank you so much for being my horse. I love you to much to let you suffer like you are, I cannot stand seeing you in pain, or even knowing you're in pain. You deserve to be pain free, boy," she said as she hugged his neck, placing a kiss on his nose. He sensed something was wrong and talked back to her, he knew deep down that she was sad and tried his best to nuzzle her arms and rub his face against her.

"Oh boy, how I am going to miss you so much when you are gone. You have always been there for me to talk to, to calm me down after a stressful day at work, or a tiff with Henry. You have been so very gentle with the kids and taught them how a horse should be with kids. Do you remember the first time Henry rode you? You were showing off and almost caused him to fall," she recalled with a slight laugh as tears escaped down her cheeks.

"Buttercup, how am I going survive without you? You understand when I'm down and know exactly to cheer me up when no one else can. With everything that's going on with Henry right now, I'm scared that I'm losing both of you at the same time and I'm not sure how much longer I can hold on. I can just feel you slipping away and know what the end of the day will bring for you, but Henry I just don't know what to do for him — he is in pain and I don't know how to help ease his pain — yours I know what to do."

As the words flowed from her mouth and the tears streamed down her cheeks, she clung to his neck with all her might, burying her face in his neck and mane. He responded to her with a slight snicker and a rub of his nose against her back — almost as if he was embracing her in a hug.

Wiping her tears, she continued to talk to him and was even able to manage a small smile when he nodded in agreement with what she was saying. She had heard a noise behind her, and slowly turning around she was surprised to see Henry standing there — she had been expecting Dr. Sue to have come back by now. Not wanting to let go of his halter, or even leave his side, he snickered again and nodded his head — as if telling her to go to him.

Picking up her pace as she walked towards him, she noticed the grief and sadness in his eyes and written on his face. As he held his arms out to her she placed her hands on them — the feeling of his body was calming for a moment.

"Thank you for coming back," she whispered, too afraid to speak louder because the dam was going to burst.

As she said this he wrapped his strong, comforting arms around her, pulling her into a much needed hug. He pulled back for a moment, looked into her sad clouded eyes and promised her: "whatever happens, we're together." Then he pulled her back into a hug — a hug like he hadn't seen her in forever — strong and reassuring. They had stood there like that for a while, just holding each other, not wanting to let go.

As she thanked Dr. Sue for her services and her wonderful handling with this difficult situation, she bent down and gave an already gone Buttercup a kiss on the forehead. She was going to miss him dearly, but knew that the terrible decision she was faced with today was for the best. Henry pulled her under his arm, holding her tightly to him as they walked out of the barn and into the house.

There was an uncomfortable silence that filled the house, she had pulled out of his arm to take her coat and boots off in the mudroom. He had taken off his coat as well, not knowing what to say to her, which was uncharacteristic for him no matter what was going on. He noticed she was just wandering aimlessly through the kitchen, so she walked over to her and pulled her into a hug — holding her like he hasn't in quite awhile. He was so lost in his own mind lately that he knew he had been neglecting her. He held her, standing in the middle of the kitchen, held her as she cried — cried for her beloved horse and for the fear of losing her husband.

As her tears slowed she pulled back to look up at him — sadness written all over his face, with pain showing in his eyes — she reached her hands up to his face, holding his cheeks pulling his face closer to hers. She kissed him like she hadn't kissed him in so long — a needy yet passionate kiss. Taking his hand in hers she led them to the living room, sitting down on the couch pulling him down beside her.

"Henry, we really need to talk. Now might not be the best time, but I have a feeling its the best chance we will have to say what needs to be said," she started looking him right in the eyes, her clouded blue eyes locking with his clouded hazel eyes. "I know things have been difficult for you lately and I've been trying my best to give you some space, do you need me to pull back more until you get things figured out? I can handle you being distant with me to a point, but the yelling and blame and feelings of not knowing if you can deal with these thoughts anymore scares me — it scares me to a point that you'll do something that I will never be able to get over." She had paused, looking at him while playing with her rings, waiting for his response. If she had to leave him alone for awhile, she figured now would be as good a time as any — he could stay at the farm house, and she would go back to the town house.

He sat there, looking at her trying to make sure those words had really come out of her mouth. As he was taking her words in, thinking of how to respond he turned his gaze to the floor, not wanting to meet her eyes for a moment. "Elizabeth, I promised you 26 years ago in sickness and in health, until death do us part — and I intend to hold to those vows. I am sorry that I have been so distant and hard to live with lately, but until I can come to terms with the stuff that had happened I am afraid I will keep doing the things I am doing." He couldn't even look at her as he spoke the words out loud, fear gripping him.

She moved her hand to touch his, a gentle reminder that she was here for the long haul as well, the rings on their fingers constant reminders — she had gently run her fingers across his ring letting him know just where she stood. "Babe look at me, please?" she pleaded with him dipping her head in hopes to catch his eyes. "I am scared, scared that I'm going to lose you to the demons that seem to be floating around inside that beautiful mind of yours, scared that I will never be enough for you anymore, that I will never be able to be sorry enough for what happened to Dimitri for you to forgive me."

Pausing for a moment to collect her thoughts, he had curled his fingers around hers that still rested on his hand — signaling to her that he was listening to what she was saying.

"I do think it would be good for us to start some sessions, as a couple, with Dr. Sherman. Please just think about it, for me — for US, I cannot lose you Henry, I can't."

He said nothing, did nothing for a few minutes. He was a Marine — a tough guy — would he have to hand in his "man card" if he agreed to go to counseling with her? He would do anything to save their marriage, but didn't quite understand what counseling would do for them.

"I don't know what counseling will do for us, but if you think it will help you feel better, then okay I will go see Dr. Sherman with you." He had agreed because he hated seeing her like this. "Baby, I just want you to know that I do still love you more than anything even thought I have not been showing it lately." He tried to reassure her yet again.

"Thank you for agreeing to see her Henry, it really means a lot to me." she paused, squeezing his hand reassuringly. "It's been a long day, I think I'm going to head to bed will you come hold me?"

"I will be more than happy to hold you," he replied as he stood and pulled her to standing, taking her into a hug, then leading her up to their bedroom.

Finally able to relax in each others arms they reassured each other the best they could, the only way they knew, that they will always ALWAYS belong together, their bodies melting into each other as the stresses fell away with the beating of their hearts and the dancing of their bodies. She fell asleep in his arms as her tears fell on his chest, crying for her horse and for him. He watched her sleep until exhaustion took over his body and mind as well.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey guys! Sorry for such a long delay, life has been super crazy lately! Here is chapter 3, please as always, let me know what you think! If you have any suggestions for this story and future chapters let me know! I kinda know where I want it to go but am not completely sure! Anyway thank you to all who comment and review! Happy reading!**

Elizabeth woke up early the following morning, hoping that the events from the day before were all just a dream. She knew deep down that they weren't, that she and Henry had one of the biggest fights—the blame falling mostly on her—and she had lost the best non-human friend she's ever had. Laying there, the events of the past few months had played over and over in her mind; she wished she had someone to talk to —besides Henry, whom she didn't even know IF she could talk to him anymore, at least about this topic. She needed a night out with girlfriends, but who—Juliette was obviously out of the question, and Isabelle was most likely off on another mission somewhere— she decided to take the chance and get ahold of Isabelle, she needed to drink and talk.

Henry had rolled over, reaching out to pull her into him, pulling her from her thoughts she snuggled into his arms, hoping that he would somehow console her with his warmth and strong arms wrapped around her. Laying there, she pulled his arms tighter around her, her fingers dancing on his wedding ring mindlessly—wondering if this circle was about to be broken or if they could get past everything. She knew he was having a hard time dealing and blamed her for a lot of this, and it scared her to no end. It was then that she decided she had to get out for a night, out with a girlfriend for some drinks and talking (talking that didn't involve a shrink or yelling) just good old girl talk.

Isabelle heard her phone buzz and reached to check it—a text from Bess:

"Hey Isabelle! Would you be up for drinks tonight?"

Smiling she replied back: "Hey Bess! Absolutely! Where and what time?"

"How about Copycat on H street? Its small and my detail should approve, how about 6?"

"Sounds perfect! I will see you then."

Isabelle couldn't help but wonder if Bess was truly all right, it wasn't like her to just ask to grab drinks out of the blue, especially on the same day. Time would tell.

"I just wanted to let you know, I'm going out after work with Isabelle, so it will be you and the kids for dinner."

She knew the text sounded harsh and cold, but lately thats what Henry was to her, harsh and cold. Never had he been like this towards her, and it hurt —she was just trying to protect herself.

Henry looked at the text from Elizabeth, sighing as he read it, knowing he was the reason behind the impromptu date with Isabelle.

"Okay babe, have fun. I love you."

"Thanks, love you too."

Sitting at the table, Elizabeth had downed half of a dirty martini while waiting for Isabelle to get there. She wasn't sure exactly what to expect, what she was going to say; she just knew she wanted to get drunk. She was finishing her drink as Isabelle sat down across from her in the booth.

Isabelle eyed her cautiously, sensing something was bothering Bess, noting to the empty martini glass and the full one that was now being sat down in front of her. She ordered the same and broke the silence as Bess started drinking.

"Hey Bess, I was glad to get your text…" pausing for a moment "Whats wrong? I haven't seen you like this in quite a while." She asked taking a swig of her own drink.

"Well I thought i was owed a night out, it's been a little, uh unnerving at home lately," she stated as she eyed her friend. "There have been some things with work that have put this wedge between Henry and me, and I'm not sure how to handle it. I just needed to get out and drink—please don't judge me." She took another long drink while she watched Isabelle, trying to gauge her reaction.

"Bess, you know I would never judge you. I'm here for you, I'll sit here listening and drinking for as long as you need me. I just want you to be okay." It had been years since Isabelle had seen Bess so strung out and beside herself—come to think of it the last time she saw her like this was when Conrad offered her the Baghdad position and she and Henry fought.

Elizabeth sucked down the rest of her second drink and ordered a third, wanting to drown her thoughts tonight. Yeah she would pay tomorrow, but right now its what she wanted. Playing with the glass stem in her fingers, she thought about how to say what she wanted to say to Isabelle. They had been friends for 2o years, and were always there for each other.

"I screwed up big time. I was part of a decision that had a very negative outcome, and Henry can't even look at me because of it. He barley touches me anymore, is up at various times of the night pacing the floor; this is eating at him and I'm the reason for it. I'm scared we won't survive this." She spilled out, tears forming in her eyes as she looked up at her dear friend.

"Bess, you two are the strongest couple I know, I'm sure it't not as bad as you're thinking maybe you both just need some time— time to heal the wounds that have been made." Her heart was aching for her dear friend, and she got up from her seat and slid in beside Bess, hugging her tight. "I love you dearly and I'm here for you, but have you tried to talk to anyone about this? What about Dr. Sherman? She helped you so much after Iran maybe she could help with this?"

"I thought about her, but I really don't think Henry will go along with it. I think he's so caught up with what happened and is hurt by it that he thinks he's gotta deal with it alone," she spit out, reaching for her drink and downing it like it was water, flagging the waitress for another.

"I keep trying to tell him he doesn't have to deal alone, he can talk to me about this—which is when he yelled at me, letting me know that I'm going to always be connected to this in his head. I'm just so afraid Isabelle, truly afraid that 28 years are going to be broken by a decision I was forced to be a part of. I don't know if I would have the strength to get by without him beside me." Elizabeth was definitely feeling the effects of three martinis-now working on her fourth. She had not eaten much today either, which was amplifying the effects of the gin.

Isabelle wasn't sure what else to say. Knowing Elizabeth and Henry like she did, she knew they would get through this hurdle—it may have been a huge hurdle for them, but they would clear it with time. Reaching over for her own martini, Isabelle just sat there holding Bess, consoling her like a best friend does. "Have you eaten anything today? I know you and when you get stressed you forget to eat, when was the last time you had something to eat? I just watched you down three Martinis in an hour and a half—and I am pretty sure you had one finished as I was getting here."

"Oh I'm not sure, maybe sometime this morning or last night. I'm okay I promise."

"No, you need to eat something. I know you and you definitely need to eat or you wont be able to function tomorrow."

Isabelle had ordered them some food and when it arrived they sat there eating and chatting about other things. Once they had finished they had decided it was time to call it a night, promising they would start getting together for dinner more often.

Walking to her waiting SUV's, Bess was being held up slightly by Isabelle considering the effects of the gin were starting to take their control over her motor functions. "Thank you so much for tonight Isabelle, I needed it and appreciate you taking time for me. Love you," She said as she hugged her dear friend good night and slid into her SUV.

"Love you too, and I will always be here for you to lean on, all you have to do is call." She hugged Bess back and made her way to her car knowing that they would both be okay.

"Hey dad, is mom home yet?" Stevie asked Henry as she walked into the kitchen.

"Hi honey. No she went out with Aunt Isabelle after work. I would suspect she should be home soon thought." Henry paused carefully considering his eldest child. "What's going on? Anything I can help with?"

"No, not really—I…I just had some questions for mom about something." Stevie replied, unsure if she should come right out and ask her father if everything was all right or not. "It's just, uh.. are you and mom okay? I've been hearing some of your fighting and I know its none of my business, but…"

"Stevie, honey, mom and I are okay we just, well, we could really use a vacation." Henry lied to his daughter. He didn't know how okay he and Elizabeth were, and the fact that she wasn't home yet and he'd been yelling at her all weekend had him worried.

"When mom gets home could you please ask her to come find me? I just need to talk to her." Stevie pleaded with her dad—not completely buying his lines.

"Sure, I'll tell her. Goodnight sweetie." Henry said kissing her on the forehead.

Just as he was turning away from Stevie Elizabeth walked into the kitchen—well more like stumbled into the kitchen. Stevie and Henry shared concerned glances, neither one had expected her to come home this drunk.

She took one look at Henry and Stevie and without saying a word stumbled up the stairs to their bedroom. Both of them following closely behind to make sure she didn't fall backwards down the staircase.

 **TBC...**

 **Remember-Comments and reviews make me happy!**


	4. Chapter 4

As always, thank you for all of the wonderful comments and suggestions! Thanks to Teammccord for continuing to proof my chapters! and thanks also to Adi for the help with bouncing ideas! Happy reading, and the continued reviews make me happy! If anyone has any suggestions for the next chapter please feel free to shoot them to me! I hope the ending of this chapter isn't a mess-I wasn't sure how to take it.

Taking a step, Elizabeth caught the very edge of the next stair with her toes and started to fall backwards. Henry and Stevie had been right there and caught her, making her a little agitated as Henry spoke.

"I've got you babe just lean against me, and I'll get you to the bedroom."

"I don't need your help, you're the reason I can't walk up the stairs myself in the first place. I drank so much tonight because of your words, trying to drown them out of my memory," she had hissed back at him, not registering that Stevie was right there as well.

"What are you talking about? I didn't give you those drinks." Henry was a little taken a back, but soon realized that she was referring to their fighting and the harsh words he had said to her. " _I cant look at you. You remind me of how I failed."_

"Henry, you know EXACTLY what I am talking about. You can't look at me, I remind you of how you failed— the fact that you have been LYING to me. You most certainly are the reason for this," she spat back as her mind traveled back to their fights at the farm house, and even the ones once they arrived back home.

Stevie just stood there completely and utterly stunned that her mother was throwing out these accusations at her dad. She had been hearing little quarrels here and there lately, but never thought to much of it. Parents argue— but this was something she was not ready for. Trying to break up the tension on the stairs she had interjected: "Dad, why don't you let me help mom up the stairs and you can help her later, okay?"

Henry looked from Stevie to Elizabeth completely unsure of his next move. "Uh sure sweetie. Elizabeth is that okay with you?" he asked her, his tone laced with upset anger and a hint of defeat.

"No, I'm fine. I don't need anyone's help, I'll see you both in the morning." With that, Elizabeth stumbled the rest of the way up the steps and into the master bedroom, leaving a speechless Henry and Stevie staring after her.

Henry turned to head back downstairs, not quite sure of what he should do now. Stevie followed him, wanting to make sure that he was okay, and that her mom was okay too.

"Dad, whats going on? I've never seen mom like this before. You guys aren't getting a divorce, are you? I've heard some of your arguments lately and well— all three of us are a little worried about you two," Stevie said, looking her dad right in the eyes.

"No honey, we are not getting a divorce, well unless your mother has other ideas. Things have just been a little tense lately with some things at work. We will be fine, I promise you. Mom and I don't take our vows lightly," he responded, giving Stevie a side hug, placing a kiss on the top of her head. Henry wasn't sure he completely believed what he had told Stevie— I mean what if he had screwed up so much that Elizabeth was done with him and this was the beginning of the end.

"Okay dad, I believe you. I love you, good night." She said hugging her dad back and turning to head to her bedroom for the night. She thought about checking in on her mom, but decided against it and just went to bed.

Henry debated about what to do for the night: should he sleep on the couch or head into the storm that would be waiting for him in the bedroom from drunk Elizabeth. Knowing her though, she would more than likely be passed out across their bed. He had decided to get a drink himself, if he walked into the storm he had wanted to be a little prepared.

Elizabeth had shut the bedroom door behind her, ashamed for yelling at Henry in front of Stevie. She couldn't even think clearly—how has their relationship come to this? Didn't she tell him that she would quit this job in a heartbeat if it threatened what they had? It was starting to affect them, to the point that she didn't even know who this man was. She had changed her clothes and laid across the end of their bed just staring at the ceiling. She knew he would be up at some point, but right now she just needed some time alone.

Henry waited almost an hour before he went to check on Elizabeth, he had a drink and was slowly processing things unsure of what to do next. He knew he needed to make it right with her, but how?

Walking quietly into their room and closing the door softly behind him, he smiled at the sight of a completely stressed out and drunk Elizabeth sprawled across their bed. After changing his clothes, he had decided to let her lay how she was and covered her with a blanket. He decided to sleep downstairs on the couch, but left the door open so he could hear her if she ended up needing him for anything.

She had been shocked out of her sleep by the intense need to throw up, signaling that she indeed really did drink to much. Barely making it to the toilet she emptied the contents of her stomach into the cool porcelain bowl. She had lost count of how many times she'd gotten sick and was at the point of where she had been just retching and laying her head against the cool tiles of the bathroom floor, happy for the break in throwing up.

Henry had heard her getting sick and made his way up to their bathroom, bringing a bottle of water and some Advil, knowing she was going to have a killer headache. He sat the Advil on the sink counter, and leaned down to brush her hair off her face so she could breath easier.

"Here babe, I brought you some water and some Advil. Why don't you take a sip and rinse out your mouth." He held out the glass for her and just watched her gingerly move into a sitting position, leaning her head back against the wall.

Taking the glass with a shaky hand, she couldn't look him in the eye—no, she was afraid to look him in the eye—the fear that she would see complete and utter disappointment in her. "Thank you, why are you being so nice to me? I don't deserve it right now," she replied closing her eyes as the room started to spin.

She hugged the toilet once again and Henry sat there patiently, holding her hair back and rubbing gentle circles on her back.

"Baby I love you and no matter what is going on I care about you and love you. You have every right to be this upset with how I've been acting, and I'm sorry I pushed you this far; I honestly lost sight of things. This is bringing me back though; I see how I've hurt you and how much damage has been done to us, and baby, please believe me when I say I'm sorry."

Having finished with this round, she wiped her eyes and nose with some toilet paper and sat back against the wall again. This time Henry sat beside her and she rested her head on his shoulder as tears streamed down her face.

"Henry I am so sorry; I'm sorry for all the decisions that I've been a part of to cause you this pain. I don't know what to do to make things right and I just needed the night to try and forget about all of it. I'm just so sorry and if you feel like you will never be able to get past this, then maybe we need to make some decisions."

Her heart ached as these words left her mouth and the tears continued to stream down her face, but it has been bothering her for so long—she was truly scared to lose him, the one constant in her life. She was a strong independent woman, but she needed her husband. He was her rock.

His heart broke as he heard what she was saying, _digested_ what she was saying, and he just couldn't believe that they were at this point. "Elizabeth what are you saying? I do _not_ think we need to make decisions, I am trying to process all of this as well— trying to figure out how to get past this and how to make things right with you again. I'm not giving up on us—EVER. It might get harder before it gets better, but it will get better."

"You know how much it helped me, seeing Dr. Sherman after Iran? Could you come with me to see her? Please think about it—I need you back Henry."

"Okay babe. For you, and for us, I will give it a shot. I'm very grateful for what she has done for you after Iran, but I just don't think I'm there, but I will go for you." He didn't want to go see some shrink but realized that maybe this was the only way he could help them and get them back to where they were before he took the job with DIA.

"Thank you." she replied to him, tears still trickling down her cheeks.

He rested his forehead against hers, wiping the tears with his thumbs—he hated seeing her like this, and knowing it was his fault hurt him deeply.

"Do you think you can get up and crawl back into bed?"

"Yeah, I think I'm done getting sick—I should be anyway. There wasn't much in there to get rid of. Will you help me though? The room is moving a bit and my head is pounding."

"Of course I will. Here take these, they should help with the headache."

He helped her to her feet and hugged her tight to his side, steadying her, slowly making their way to the bed.

He held her all night long, not really sleeping incase she needed him through the rest of the night.

They both awoke the next morning to the alarm clock; Henry was exhausted from lack of sleep and emotionally being drained; Elizabeth had quite the hangover and contemplated calling off sick.

With her sunglasses still on she entered the 7th floor hoping to get past the "Elevator Ambush" crew; she really wasn't up for anything too pressing this morning. Unfortunately the press had different plans.

"Ma'am I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you need to look at this." Daisy said anxiously as she saw her boss getting off the elevator. There had been a few reporters out the night before and had taken pictures of the Secretary stumbling out of the restaurant and into her SUV.

"I ** _s there more on the rocks than Elizabeth McCords drinks?"_**

Elizabeth knew where this was headed the moment she saw the headline. "Daisy, I really cant dispute the fact that I was drinking last night, but I can attest that is the only thing on the rocks—even though my martinis definitely were not on the rocks last night." She didn't need the trouble between her and Henry spilled out into the public eye, especially since it was all over things that were top secret national security issues. "Now if you will please excuse me, I have work to do in my office." She brushed past Daisy, with Blake standing guard, stopping Daisy from following her like a dog with a bone.

"Blake what are you doing?! She needs to address this." Daisy shot at him with a nasty look.

"Think about it, LOOK at her—have you ever seen her like this? This is different than post Iran, I think she needs some time alone, and I'm sure you can figure out how to spin the headline." Blake shot her the look right back.

With that Daisy turned and retreated to her office, Blake and Nadine made their way into the Elizabeths office to offer their services for anything she may be needing at the moment.

"Ma'am, is there anything we can do for you?" Nadine asked cautiously, knowing her boss was fighting more demons than anyone else knew.

"No Nadine, but thank you. If there is anything I think of I will let you know," Elizabeth said in reply to her chief of staff, whom she was really starting to trust with more than just department issues. "Well, there is one thing. I will need to clear my schedule for about 2 hours one of these days, I will let you know when, but are there any days that would work the best for this time block?" she said, knowing she needed to call and schedule an appointment with Dr. Sherman.

"The day of the gala should work in the morning, just let me know the time."

"Thank you both. Now if you will excuse me, I've got these reports to get through," she said, dismissing them from her office. She had a killer headache and needed to concentrate the best she could on the reports that sat in front of her, but first she called and scheduled the appointment with Dr. Sherman.

"Appointment made for 9am Wednesday, this shouldn't interfere with classes or anything else. Love you and thank you for your help last night." She texted Henry.

"Sounds good, and any time babe. I love you too."


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey all! Sorry it has taken me so long to write this chapter. Life got in the way, and I wasn't exactly sure how I wanted this to go. I hope you enjoy it, hopefully its not to messy! As always all reviews and comments are greatly appreciated!**

" _You said you think about it every time you look at me! How are we supposed to get past that?!"_

Her words were like stinger missiles to his heart. He knew it was true, and was trying to figure things out, but nothing was working. She was the reason he had agreed to going to see Dr. Sherman; THEY were the reason he agreed. Never in his life did he think he would be fearing a divorce from the woman he loved, his soul mate and best friend. He had hurt her so deeply by lying and shutting her out, blaming her for how he was feeling.

 _"_ _I don't know, I just don't know. I've got to get to work"_ With that he had left her standing in their office, mouth dropped and speechless. He wasn't ready to answer her question when she had asked it, and didn't know if he would ever be ready to answer it.

When her text had come through with the appointment for Dr. Sherman, he of course had agreed to it. Deep down he knew something had to give and maybe this was really the right call but he was still quite aphrenrsive about the entire thing. He only agreed to do it because he loved her, and wanted to make things right again.

The kids had just left for school leaving Henry and Elizabeth alone in the kitchen.

"Hey babe, do you want to ride along with me into our appointment?"

Henry hesitated, not really sure of how to answer her question. Of course he always like riding with her, but this felt different. He wasn't really ready for this and still didn't think he needed to go along, but he was appeasing her with the appointment. Was she afraid he wouldn't show up? Is this why she wanted him to ride along with her?

"I have a few errands to run throughout the day, so I do need the car. I will just meet you there, okay?" He stated, not really making eye contact with her.

"Oh, okay. Well I'm going to head out, so I'll meet you there."

She was a little hurt, but was hiding it as best as she could. Her thoughts were racing a mile a minute as she gathered her briefcase and purse for the day— racing so much that she almost left without a kiss and good-bye.

Henry picked up on the change in her demeanor but let it slide. He knew she was worried about him and about them, but in his eyes they were fine- or would be fine. He was dealing with things in his own ways and would eventually come around, come back to his true self.

"Babe" he paused, getting her attention before she slipped out the door. "I will be there, I promise you I will be there. I love you." He walked over to her and kissed her goodbye as well as pulling her in for a reassuring hug.

"Okay, I love you too, Henry. Please don't ever forget that."

She had arrived at Dr. Sherman's office by 8:50 for their 9am appointment time. Before heading into the building she glanced around to see if Henry's Jeep was parked near by. Not noticing it anywhere she headed inside feeling slightly defeated. Yes he still had 10 minutes to get there, but that damn nagging thought of doubt creeped back into her thoughts.

"I'm inside already" she texted him, just in case he was going to wait outside-or not show up at all.

"Be there in a minute"

She looked down at her phone as it vibrated with a message. Good, she thought, letting out the breath she had been holding. She wasn't sure why she was so nervous about him not showing up, he had agreed to at least one session. Hopefully this went well and Dr. Sherman didn't get to quirky with her advise.

"Hey Babe" he said as he sat down beside her, placing a quick kiss on her cheek.

"Hey yourself" she replied back, returning the kiss, but to his lips. "Are you ready for this?"

"You know my thoughts, but I'm here aren't I?" He smirked at her, knowing she had been nervous about him not showing up.

"As I said before, please just keep an open mind about this, for me Henry, for the kids and more importantly for US."

WHY couldn't he just relax and stop being so judgmental about himself being here, she had thought to herself. She had been lost in thought when she felt him squeeze her arm as the receptionist called their names, leading them up the steps to Dr. Sherman's space.

After the greetings and awkward exchange of thoughts about fish Elizabeth nervously got to the point of why they were there. Occasionally looking to Henry, trying to gauge how he felt about Dr. Sherman since he had finally met her, and to see if he was any more willing to discuss the issues at hand.

As they finished up their session and headed out to the street, they were both in agreement that she had gotten a little hooey when she had described how she wanted them to get back to their "circle of two", but also knew that they had let work take over their discussions at home, and that had to stop— or at least not be the only thing they talked about. Their pillow talk had gone from family discussions to all engrossed in the dealings with work. It only seemed natural that they would talk about work, since they finally had been able to do so, at night when the kids would not be around to hear what they were discussing.

Burgers and bowling was agreed upon for their date that week, and they had both been looking forward to it; it was something they had often done while in college and it would be fun to revisit the activities of their younger years.

Elizabeth was also looking forward to Henry joining her to the gala that evening, but told him he didn't need to go, giving him a pass for that since he went with her to her shrink. He had agreed that he wanted to go and teased her about knowing how much she wanted to see him in a tux.

Their days went by smoothly and Henry headed over to the firing range for target practice incase Murphy's Station was to be sent into the field. His phone had buzzed with a text from Elizabeth.

"Hey babe, I'm heading home to get ready for the gala tonight. I'm looking forward to seeing you in your tux ;) Love you."

"We are heading to the range for weapons certification, then I will be home to get ready. I wouldn't want you to miss out on my tux-clothed body ;)"

"Sounds good, see you soon!"

Stevie had been in the kitchen with her mother when Henry had called, and heard the one side of the conversation. She picked up on her mothers tone and body language almost immediately, but didn't say anything as Allison had come back with her mothers missing earring. Her father was missing more than he knew, not only was the gala important for world peace, but her mother was absolutely stunning in the dress she had purchased for the night. She had snapped a picture of her mother as she was standing with Ali getting her earrings in order to send to her dad, just so he knew what he was missing out on.

Elizabeth was not surprised at Henry's phone call, but was disappointed that he wasn't going to be there with her. She had a nagging feeling that he wasn't being completely honest about having to work, but pushed that aside and focused on the evening and the task at hand.

The gala had gone smoothly and Elizabeth walked into the house expecting to have Henry already home. When she realized he was still out she had a sinking feeling in her stomach and decided to just head to bed, not knowing when he would be home, or if she wanted to wait up for him.

She had so many thoughts running through her mind that sleep was impossible; it almost felt like the night they had at the farmhouse— the night of the big fight, and she had an uneasy feeling about it. She was scared that he was so far down a path that he couldn't find his way back—his way back to himself, or his way back to her, to them, and that scared her to no end. She never wanted to imagine her life without him, but lately she was playing scenarios over in her mind as to what life would be like if in fact something happened to them. She didn't think she'd be strong enough to handle losing the love of her life when she'd already lost so much.


	6. Chapter 6

**Thank you to those of you who are still reading and reviewing! It means so much to get the reviews! I don't know about the rest of you, but its just so hard to sit down and write during the summer-to many activities going on! Anyway here's the next chapter, I hope you enjoy. I'm sorry if its a mess and I know it went more off of the episode but I promise next chapter won't seem so verbatim. As always comments and reviews are always welcome and very much appreciated!**

"Hey dad! I just thought you'd like to see what mom's wearing tonight incase you don't make it. She's absolutely stunning! Love you!"

Stevie sent the text along with the picture she had taken of her mother. Picking up on the tone in her moms voice, and the defeated expression on her face, Stevie couldn't help but wonder if her dad really was working, or if he was just using it as an excuse to get away from her. She was hoping that after seeing how stunning she looked that he would feel really guilty about standing her up.

Elizabeth had ended the call with Henry and tried to pass off as being fine, she really thought that he would show up for her tonight after their conversation that morning. Not wanting to alert the girls and get worked up over what was hopefully nothing she put on her game face and said good night to the girls, heading off to the gala. She had busied herself during the event so she had no time to think about Henry and what his possible actions meant. She had some discussions to make and the most important one could possibly decide whether Murphy's Station had to head to Islamabad.

The gala had ended and there was no sign of Henry even trying to show up. She had gone home thinking he would be there waiting for her, but found their office and bedroom empty. She was starting to shut down and ended up just changing into her pajamas and crawling into bed. So many thoughts were running through her mind and she just couldn't shut them off, all she could do was wait, wait for Henry to come home and more importantly come back, back to her, their marriage, and back to their family.

Henry hadn't looked at his phone until he was ordering the last round of drinks for himself and José. Glancing at the screen he had noticed a few texts, opening his messages he read Stevie's text and looked at the picture she had sent him of Elizabeth. She was right, his wife was absolutely stunning in that dress and he messed up the night by ditching her because he was afraid to run into some Russian diplomat who he would want to hold up against the wall and demand to know what they were doing with Talia. His anger was starting to take ahold of him and in return was taking things out on Elizabeth, and she didn't deserve that. He finished his drink, called for an UBER and went home.

Climbing the stairs he couldn't help but wonder if Elizabeth was waiting up for him, or if she was fast asleep. Trying to be a quiet as he could considering his stumbling, he dropped change all over the floor as he went to take it out of his pocket, causing Elizabeth to jump.

"That was quite a strategy meeting." Elizabeth had said with exhaustion and concern in her voice.

"There was beer and strategy" He slurred a bit.

"I'm getting a little whiskey too"

"I took an Uber" he assured her, kissing her arm. "How was the thing?"

She gave him the standard "Oh, you know, it was just a thing" sighing heavily as he leaned on her a little, rubbing her arm. She didn't know where this was going, or how long this conversation would last considering the alcohol was partly talking.

He told her he was sorry for not making it, and in the next breath with a heavy sigh he admitted to lying to her. Placing his body over hers more he spoke the words he didn't want to say. "Baby, I lied. I didn't have to work."

Hearing those three words: **_Baby, I lied_** her heart stopped for a moment and her stomach sank. If he was lying to her again how would she ever be able to trust him? She was starting to lose herself in her own thoughts when she was pulled out by the look on his face, the profound look in his eyes that he was truly sorry for lying to her. He didn't trust himself around all those Russians and she believed him.

He confessed to her why he had lied, it made him feel better getting it off his chest. "We're in therapy because I can't accept what happened to Dimitri, and what is still happening to his sister."

"Which means you can't accept me either." she had reminded him, her clouded blue eyes searching his hazel ones.

He was trying to reassure her by rubbing her arm, when she had confessed that she was scared. "Hey, come on" he was trying to assure her with his soothing voice that she loved so much.

"I'm scared, Henry" her eyes tearing up a bit, with a hint of fear behind them.

Rubbing her arm he promised her that they would indeed make it out to burgers and bowling so that they could immerse themselves into their "circle of two" again. Searching her eyes with his he reminded her that he wasn't going anywhere as she scooted closer to him, both needing their bodies to touch at this promise.

Leaning into the kiss she affirmed that there was definitely whiskey involved, causing him to pull away with a chuckle and head off to the bathroom to brush his teeth. Lying there she got lost in her own thoughts again until he crawled back into bed.

Wanting to be comforted, they connected the way that they always knew how, the world melted away as they got lost in each other both needing reassurance from the other. Once they had finished they held each other all night, knowing that they would indeed get through this, they would find their way back to their intimate circle of two.


	7. Chapter 7

**Here's an update for you all! Happy reading. Sorry if its a little confusing or has mistakes, I wanted to get it up before heading off to work. As always THANK YOU to those of you who help with the story and review my work! It truly means a lot!**

The following day Elizabeth had felt better about the way things were going, that was until they had decided that the best course of action was to send Murphy's Station to Islamabad. She knew that this was most likely going to be the case, but didn't want it to become a reality, her reality: The possibility that Henry could be sent away and not come back to her.

As she watched him pack that night she couldn't help but think back to the night before she had left for Iran. It was a similar situation, both not knowing if she would return or not. She tried to play it off lightly, as Henry was doing now. Trying to reassure her with kisses she had pushed him back, wanting to make sure that he would listen to direct orders and stay within the confines of the embassy. Before heading down to say good bye to the kids he made sure she was taken care of tonight, like they had taken care of each other the night before she left for Iran.

Saying good bye to the kids was a little easier for him as his cover was he was going to a religion conference in San Diego. Hugs and kisses all around was the norm when one of their parents was headed out of town for a few days, so nothing really seemed out of place.

Stevie had been watching from the stairs and noticed the desperation in the hug and kiss her parents shared at the door, it was then that she really knew there was more going on than her siblings noticed and she made herself a silent promise to keep a watchful eye on her mother until her dad returned home. As much as she fought with her mom, she did love her and knew that if anything ever happened to her dad her mom would be completely and utterly devastated, she had to be there for her-be her rock if you will.

Neither Henry or Elizabeth slept well that night—Henry on the plane and Elizabeth in their big bed by herself—he thought about what she said and promised that he would indeed stay inside the Embassy leaving the OPS team on the ground to do the dirty work.

The phone call from him letting her know they were safely tucked inside the embassy was reassuring, though she felt the need to remind him where he was to stay and operate from. He picked up on the unease in her voice and tried to calm her fears with talking about the mosques and the view from inside the embassy, even to alluding to the fact that he and Jane were stuck inside like a harem.

The situation on the ground progressed rapidly after Elizabeth had received the call from Henry in the middle of the night. She feared for Murphy's safety and only hoped that the team listened and got on the evacuation plane with everyone else. When she had received word that they were in fact not on the plane as directed worry and fear crept further into her mind and her heart. Had they really spent their last night together, not having a chance to make up for the past few months and work on their relationship- getting back to their intimate "circle of two"? When she had to make the decision to go ahead with Render Safe, and leave Murphy in Islamabad to finish what they had started out to do, all she could do was hope and pray that they made it home safely.

Henry knew he shouldn't have stayed behind, he should have listened to the voice in his head—HER voice in his head, but they had gotten a huge break and couldn't just abort the mission that they were set out to accomplish. He heard her agree to back Murphy's decision, noting the desperation in her voice and the hint of fear. They had hung up and he knew he needed to get her back on the phone if nothing more to let her know he was okay and that he loved her. Their voices caught at those three words, the emotions being felt through the phone lines—he knew she was trying to be strong but he could still hear the desperation in her words.

After her phone call with Alison and the new findings that Russia was pulling out of Render Safe she felt trapped, not knowing what to do. She was slightly thankful that all Aly needed was a signed permission slip-gave her something a little less stressful to think about, which she was grateful for, but also realized that she was putting her job before her kids in this instance, but there were issues at hand that had to come before her kids-for their own safety in the future.

Aly walked into the house after school that day to Stevie sitting on the couch, thankful that someone was home to listen to her and talk to her.

"I cant believe mom never made it home, she totally didn't sign my slip for the Hamilton trip and I was so close to not being able to go. Good thing I can talk to Dean Ward calmly." She started in on Stevie needing to vent her frustration with her mother to Stevie.

"Aly have you looked at the news at all?! I think the safety of the world is a little more important at the moment than your field trip to NYC. I mean, did you notice mom and dad when he left the other night? How they said good bye? How it seemed like mom was on edge and nervous? She tried o play it off but I picked up on it. It was almost like dad acted when mom went to Iran just cut her some slack." Stevie stated, trying to reassure her sister that their mother was not simply forgetting her.

Stevies words hit her like a ton of bricks, was she right was dad somewhere dangerous? Was he somehow involved in what was happening across the ocean?! "Oh I never even gave that a thought, do you think dad is in danger?" She was starting to get all worked up, how could she be taking this out on her mother when she knew how her job often dealt with saving peoples lives.

"Listen, I don't know exactly whats going on, but maybe take it a little easy on mom, okay? We haven't seen her since the morning after dad left and who knows when she will be able to make it home. The three of us just need to pull together and get things done around here so mom doesn't have the house work to worry about too."

"You're right. I also need to apologize to mom for flipping out on her over the phone. Thanks Stevie." Aly hugged her sister and went to up to her room to work on homework and text her mother.

"Hey mom, I'm sorry I bothered you about the permission slip earlier. I hope you're okay, we miss you here. Have a good day! Love you!"

She felt better after sending her mom the text, now she could tackle her homework.

Elizabeth felt her phone buzz with a text, looking down she saw it was from Aly and read it right away. Tears threatened to fall from her eyes as she was exhausted and missed her family—her ray of sunshine in this crazy world.

"Thank you baby, I'm sorry I wasn't home last night to sign it. I promise I will have everything taken care of. I miss you guys, but it's not looking like I will be making it home tonight either. Love you too!"

She felt a little ever after texting her daughter. She would feel even better once she knew Henry was in the air on his way home with Jane and Jose. Not knowing if Henry sill had power to his phone or even if he had a signal she sent him a text as well.

"Hey baby, I love you. I hope you guys are safe and Jose is hanging in there. Please, please, please come home to me. I miss you. :*"

She hit send and went about trying to take her mind off the fluid situation by working on reports that were piling on her desk, hoping to pass the time quickly. She had been in her office a few hours when she had been summoned to the situation room. As Blake held out her coat for her, he also informed her that they had no word still on Murphy's Station. Feeling defeated she released a deep sigh and headed towards her waiting SUV.


End file.
